Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

  • Mood:

This is getting very tiring.

So this morning I woke up feeling pretty grotty and managed to make things worse for myself. Going up and down, feeling that the progress I've made the last time has got me nowhere. Jordan is autistic as well as being a child so he can't comprehend emotions. Which is great - when he comes barrelling up to you with a big grin and gets you to play with him and generally be affectionate you can't help but smile and let it break your mood.

I had a dream a couple of days ago where I was in a high-rise hotel with some work colleagues. We had our computer equipment set up. There was a storm outside with strong winds and the building was swaying in the wind. At one point I had to brace myself against the floor to stop myself from sliding around. I remember being on the phone to another colleague in another hotel across the street; we could see him in his room from where we were. Somehow the wind caused his entire floor to slip out of the building much like a jenga block; it was balanced precariously and I shouted at him down the phone: "Get out, get out, get out!" He got out as the floor slipped out and crashed to the ground, but he went up to the roof. We made our way down to the ground, leaving all our stuff in the room before the same happened to our building and I watched from the shelter of something like a hangar with the rain lashing down as the top section of his building came crashing down, presumably taking him with it.

kissycat1000 said instantly that the building was my career. That would explain a lot.

Anyway, I'm not used to not being in control of my emotions. I hate what this means I'm putting kissycat1000 through, and how much it means I'm ignoring her needs. I want to believe I'll have enough strength to do the things I need to if and when I get my sabbatical.

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