Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

  • Mood:

The D-word.

So, the D-word. I didn't realise what was going on until earlier today, but let's look at the checklist shall we?

  • No sex drive - check

  • Worse than usual memory, for words, events and tasks - check

  • Inability to cope with things that I'd be fine with normally; like going shopping (which I dislike at the best of times) in a crowded supermarket (anathema) - check

  • No concentration - check

  • No motivation - check

  • Low self-esteem - check

  • Lack of energy - check

  • Withdrawn - check

  • Inability to make decisions - check

I made some bad judgements over the last few days which have left me feeling pretty crumby, especially as these injustices were to people who deserve better, namely kissycat1000 and her children. I didn't manage to get any Easter eggs or presents for either of their birthdays. I sat there while Tianna opened her presents but she didn't comment about it. The worst part is I KNOW this isn't me doing it. Well, it is, but it's not ME me, it's the depression me. I could remember going out to get beer and a bottle of coke. I remember vaguely thinking about a card when I got back in the car but I got distracted by something else. I think in actuality getting a card would have involved making a decision, something I subconsiously realised I wasn't up to doing.

In a lot of ways people who are depressed seem to be perfectly normal; talking, interacting, going about their daily tasks. Working at home, I got a load of washing done today. I didn't get any of my documentation done. The difference is that didn't take a lot of effort to make the decision to wash my clothes - writing a document is all about decisions. Deciding where to go out tonight was made at the last minute. I made the decision based on what I thought was the right thing to do rather than what I'd enjoy most. In the end I went out to see a film with some close friends and started talking to them about how I'm feeling. I'll do some more tomorrow, when I talk to my Staff Manager.

I've realised what is mainly causing this particular bout, and it's the prospect of working in Cardiff for 6 months. 6 months of being knackered and having no life except for working and resting, not wanting to go anywhere at the weekends because I've had it up to here with travelling, not being able to ride my bike despite it being summer. Well I've done my stint of working away from the office. I need to tell him that just the thought of doing it again for 6 months is making me depressed.

I also need to be in the office so I'm not relying on my non-existant motivation to work from home.

It's not certain I'll be working in Cardiff but it's looking very likely as I've heard the Bristol office is still dead and I've been offered that work on the back of what I did there before. I can't see how I can justify turning that down in the current climate. Perhaps I'll be able to given how it's making me feel. But on the other hand, will not working make me feel just as depressed for other reasons?

Anyway, enough of all that. I'm happy to see that kissycat1000 and uberredfraggle have got it together :) I hope this is the start of something good :) *hugs to both of you* :)

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