Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

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In other self-realisations

On a similar theme to my post about learning methods, there is something else I'm slowly coming to realise. This is obviously my time for 'realising things'. This time it's about interactions and other people.

Now, as people who know me at all or read my journal in the slightest will know, in my early twenties I discovered that the reason I was a little different to others was most likely because I was some way along the autistic spectrum away from 'normal'. Before then, and especially since then, I've gone through large periods of self-doubt around my ability to interact with people. I'm slowly learning to overcome that; that I am actually a reasonable person to interact with and generally likeable (despite what the voices in my head keep telling me. No, scratch that I don't have voices, I have doubts. Whatever.)

I think back to interactions with other people in my past and realise that the thoughts I had at the time, things like "they're just young and immature" and the like. I had doubted and discounted these thoughts as invalid (due to the fact they seemed so damn sure of themselves combined with my position on the autistic spectrum). Yet they keep turning out to be subsequently validated independently and sometimes even by the very people themselves.

I so often lead a life of humility, very much aware of my own shortcomings - yet other people do not seem to have even this amount of awareness about themselves until later, if at all. Possibly this is a blessing in disguise for me, as I have been forced into acute self-awareness by my very differences from the rest of society. What annoys me is that once again I was right, yet I did not have the courage to believe that.

I will not let this turn me into an arrogant twat, as that is what I despise most in others. However I will have a little more courage in my convictions and be less easily swayed by others' opinions. Some might say I'm already quite stubborn about some things, but these things are practical things with little overall impact where the cost of being wrong is not that great. After all, if you don't make mistakes how do you learn?

What gets me with most people is that most prominently they cannot even comprehend that they cannot know their mind in the future. This scares me a lot, actually. If you can't comprehend that you cannot know your mind in the future, how can you make life-altering decisions like whether to be sterilised, or whether to get married, or whether to have children? Yes, there is no certainty to any of it, but if you are so unaware of yourself that you cannot accept that you cannot know your mind in the future, then I guess you will make decisions that turn out to be wrong for you. I guess this is how mistakes are made.. *shrug*.

The trouble with this realisation is it makes me a fence-sitter. I have trouble committing, knowing that I cannot know my own mind in the future. Some might say I have too damn much perspective, myself included.
Tags: introspection, reflection

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