Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

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Random moods

Warning - this post is somewhat (read: very) introspective. It's my journal - it's just for my benefit.

Last night I was in a very strange mood. I think it was because I was missing kissycat1000 but I realised that wasn't the real reason. The mood was like an apathy brought on by frustration. I made my apologies and went to bed, hoping to wake up without the mood in the morning.

Unfortunately this didn't happen and although I'm feeling happier now, I wanted to deal with the feelings. I'm slowly trying to get to grips with why I feel this way, and I think it has to do with the amount of change and uncertainty and lack of progress in my life at the moment. I guess I'm just one of those people who wants to do things and get somewhere. Perhaps I just need to grow up a little and realise that everything has to have an amount of caution, planning and patience thrown in with it. Bah that sounds very boring.

The things I'm referring to for instance is my bike. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of having it stolen - fighting the insurance company for the full worth of the bike, planning if, when and how to get another one, and the measures I'll have to take to make sure it doesn't get stolen again - which in itself is frustrating as I haven't come up with a solution that won't require too much effort every time I want to secure my bike (eg. trying to squeeze it into the space just in front of the house to lock it up to a ring I'll embed in the concrete there).

As a side-effect of all this my cashflow is appauling, adding to frustrations.

Although my relationship with kissycat1000 is fantastic and I love her to pieces, I guess I have a nagging worry that her situation means it could change drastically without notice.

My job situation is going through large amounts of change too as I am wrapping up the project I have been working on for the last year, and need energy and motivation which I just don't feel like to push myself and get a project with a lot of responsibilities which will further my career. I am also again frustrated with the fact that I am still on graduate wages after a year and a half with the company.

And of course the on-going troubles with computers which never seem to get sorted no matter how much effort I expend on them, and are currently less sorted as I have a number of bust components I need to negotiate replacements for and return the originals.

The final straw last night was that I couldn't have a cup of tea because I had no milk and I couldn't go shopping because the supermarkets were closed. Yes the Spar was open but I wanted to get food in as I haven't been shopping for ages.

As a consequence I just withdrew and felt annoyed and frustrated with myself for being unsociable and unable to deal with it. I also admitted to insecurities in the form of jealousy towards kissycat1000's making of new friends. I know I'm fine if I'm out socialising because the immediacy of the situation pushes the nagging worries out of the back of my mind but they're there ready to upset me in quieter times, upsetting friends who I hang around with like my housemates and Burney and dylan for example.

I'm also worried that I seem to be viewing my relationship with kissycat1000 as a means of escape. I must ground myself more in reality - dig in and get some of this stuff sorted out. Apart from anything else she needs my support - if not now then very shortly, so I can't have things of my own to deal with when that time comes.

Well I think I feel better for having got it written down somewhere now. If you have read this far, leave a comment if you would :)

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