Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

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Couldn't see the forest for the trees

Tonight has been a watershed for me. It followed on from a day of productive DIY on both mine and kissycat1000's houses - with much appreciated help from ev1ldonut. For the first time in ages I was able to talk to kissycat1000 as I had a bath after she helped me put up a new Jordan-proof curtain rail in his bedroom. What I realised is that I've been expending all of my efforts on work and had nothing left to give kissycat1000, at this time when I need to work together with her after recent events. The reason I was finding I needed so much time to myself was because I needed time where no demands were being made of me, where I could get my head straight. It's so obvious now, of course.

Anyway, I seem to have got over the hump now, and am able to be much more affectionate and attentive towards kissycat1000, which is a great relief to both of us, and to ev1ldonut too I'm sure.

During this time I've been doing a lot of thinking - taking stock of my life. Some areas are lacking, but nothing that time won't sort out. Questioning the finer details of some of the fundamental choices kissycat1000 and I have made - for example, to live apart; the impact that has on our relationship(s) and finding that there was no real accepted social model for our setup now. When we visit each other, are we dating or just spending time together, or being a family? When do we get time to ourselves? Should we be focussed solely on each other or just 'be' in each other's company? How do our external relationships affect our own relationship?

After all this reflection, I think I'm pretty happy with the big picture, it's just time to start working on some of the details. Something I've put off my whole life. So much so I'm not entirely sure I know where to start...

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