Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,
Azekeil
azekeil

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Oh, so *that's* where my emotions went -->

For once I thought I'd just sit here and write something. So much of what I put in my journal is forced, thought out, put across in certain ways. That makes it sound like it's all very contrived.. well it is to some extent, but more in what it doesn't say than what it does.

Perhaps this entry is going to ramble a bit, and perhaps that is one of the reasons why I don't tend to make entries like this. But I guess I've been feeling rather blocked up emotionally for the last.. week or so. I've been surviving, but there has been a level of background stress and I haven't been able to shake it off. This also has meant that any little extra bit of stress sets my teeth on edge and I just can't deal with it. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was depressed again, but.. no.. maybe that's it. Maybe I am depressed. Or at least just stressed.

I was so relieved when things started moving on the house front - I've spoken about how I've been living with kissycat1000 for the past year and a half. She said that even if she didn't have the responsibilities of her children she wouldn't put herself in the situation I now find myself in - certainly not for the length of time that it's been going on. How many of you have been in a similar situation? I mean, you have a place you call 'home' but end up spending so little time there that the friends you'd built up hardly get to see anything of you; the time you do spend there is spent locked away desperately seeking solitude and a chance to recharge batteries, just to start the whole cycle over again.

This probably sounds a lot worse than it actually is - I mean, I've been coping with it for a year and a half. Perhaps that's the problem - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and now I have hope that this 'limbo' will come to an end it's just proving too much for me at the moment.

I've found it very hard to deal with people recently too, although I have made some progress on specific occasions. It almost feels like I can't relate to anyone, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world, retreating further and further into my escapist activities to shut out the world and its problems, and taking out my frustration and stress on those who really don't deserve it.

Oh, by the way I should probably mention I am completely sober at present, before anyone thinks to comment along those lines. I'm actually enjoying just typing into the keyboard. I don't think I'm entirely surprised by what's coming out - I can't even tell you if it's the root cause. At the moment all I want to do is type and try to explain myself to.. well.. myself. That's what this journal's supposed to be about.

I suppose some of the reason I removed nearly everyone off my friends list recently was connected with all this. I had had enough of giving of myself to people who didn't reciprocate - not just one or two, not just individuals, but perhaps half the people on my list.

I am sorry for the way I've been recently. Like I've been saying, it's been a very love/hate thing with LJ, mostly hate of late. I'm looking forwards very much to being more sociable when I feel like I have a solid base to do that from. At the same time, I have experienced islands of calm and hope throughout this; the recent weekend with earthwyrm, freiga, truefang and Liz was just the tonic. Alcohol, chatting and flirting, music, letching at barmaids, fantastic chocolate-containing chile, bike rides (the next day). Thanks very much guys :)

I need to say thank you to chocojon who has kept me company today. Heh, he's probably used to me being like this and thinks its normal. *Sigh*. I wish I could say it isn't.

I'm scared of being stressed/depressed and spoiling other people's enjoyment of these holidays. How stupid is that? I'm scared of being scared.

Well I think I've run out of things to say for now. I'd like to think I have the freedom to write stuff like this more often in here. Not to say I'm going to start writing big whinges, just that I can write more what's on my mind than I have been used to.
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