Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

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So, what happened?

I'm at kissycat1000's today, after she came to Bristol last night on the spur of the moment with J to speak face to face. We're sorting out our problems, which I think have mainly been the amount of stress I'm under from all angles. The fact that she's not 100% at the moment hasn't helped either. It's only been this morning that we've been able to sit down and talk about something properly, that isn't avoidance of our personal situations or talking about our personal situations. I need this interaction very much. I need to talk to her - she allows me a different perspective which is greatly needed.

Yesterday morning I went into work feeling very strung out (my own stresses personified to create more stresses for everyone around me - catch 22) to find an email from my project manager changing things yet again, and that they again wanted me out in Bangalore. I sat, thought about it, tried to cope with it, sitting there on the verge of tears for the rest of the morning. Wrote that post, decided to do as I wanted and go home to sleep. In the afternoon I wrote work an email explaining I had personal problems and would be taking a few days off as holiday to sort it out.

My main stress has been work. I originally agreed to do this project because it involved coding in Perl. As time progressed it became apparent that there was a whole lot of preparatory work to do first. Fair enough. Then it became apparent that the development was going out to Bangalore, and I wasn't going to get to do any of the work I originally joined the project for. This was a bit of a blow, one from which I never really recovered before all the other political turmoil struck, which combined with the stresses and strains of my personal life as it has been has brought me low on several occasions.

Finally though, what has changed is that kissycat1000 and I have been able to sit down and worry about something other than us for the time being, and talking to her about work has enabled me to see what the problems have been and feel better about tackling them.

I came up with the analogy that my project is like a big field of mud I have to cross. I start walking, finding my steps impeded by the viscous mud. Nevertheless I carry on. Soon I find that the mud has all but halted my progress. I'm looking down, frustrated with the mud and get distraught.

Sitting down today has enabled me to look around and realise I need a couple of planks of wood to walk across the top of the mud - it has given me another way of thinking and dealing with the work and change that is going on.

I could write a whole load about exactly what the problems are and why I'm finding it tough in particular, but they sound like excuses, and tbh they won't be interesting to you lot or to me in the future as they will all seem so inconsequential. I am somewhat annoyed with work for putting me in this sort of situation to begin with, but at least I know better what I need to do to prevent such situations coming to pass again - I don't mean the same circumstances, I mean taking action to kerb things that break me. Those things will change with time I'm sure.

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