Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,

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Yesterday morning was not particularly pleasant for me. There has been a background problem with kissycat1000 and my living arrangements which I had been attempting to tackle from different angles for several weeks. I knew the problem has been upsetting kissycat1000 as well. The trouble is I couldn't just talk to her about it as I knew the feelings I was having were 'wrong'. As in anything I tried to do about the problem would not help, and I should just deal with my feelings.

Unfortunately however, these feelings refused to be dealt with, and as is the way, they came out at a particularly inappropriate moment which caused a great deal of upset and anger. I decided that never mind how 'wrong' these feelings were I needed to talk to her about them, which I did.

But I was feeling very low yesterday. I was seriously contemplating deleting my journal (see previous but one post) as I couldn't see a way out of my depression yet again (although now is a different matter of course).

In the end I ended up going round to kissycat1000's from work early yesterday and sorted the problem out.

Now, I know I have promoted NOT living together to a few people and kissycat1000 and I thoroughly believe it's the right way, for us at least, to live and have the space we need.

However, in the talks we had yesterday afternoon we came to a realisation. The trouble in our arrangements is that because there is no choice in the matter we spend all of our time together in her house. This is fine, but when it comes down to it I don't actually have any responsibility for things in her house.

I'm not living there, but I'm not not living there either. I don't really get a say in how (her) stuff is laid out around the house, nor am I expected to do more chores than I create. But when something isn't right to me, I can't 'correct' it because it's not my house or responsibility to do so.

Once we'd worked this out it made things a lot easier to deal with. I expect we'll find some more firm guidelines to help us cope with this quasi-state, so that I know what I can do without upsetting her and she knows what to expect of me.

One thing I'm really looking forwards to is when I have a house in Cheltenham, she (plus kids) will be able to come around and spend time in a place I have responsibility for, which will make things far more balanced and manageable.

On a related note, my Staff Manager had a quick chat to me this morning to alert me to new happenings - he's going to get in touch with someone in government division to try to speed my clearance along so I can work in GCHQ. This will be a major milestone. The second possibility is that an expanding project (which I've already done some work for) is setting up that will require infrastructure investment in Bath, which is a lot closer to home than the previous offerings in Reading. It sounds like there will be some time in Reading to begin with, but I don't mind that so much as long as it's short term and leads to working closer to home :)

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