Azekeil (azekeil) wrote,
Azekeil
azekeil

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Self doubt

So in actuality things are actually going really well for me. It is of course at this point that self-doubt creeps in and niggles away. Last night I was fairly unsettled by a number of small things (or not so small I suppose, depending on your perspective) to the point that I just wanted reassurance.

Today I have if not resolution then a plan of action for tackling some of the more immediate ones, but the others still remain:
  • My last post made me sound concerned only about money. Although I know what I mean, it started a line of questioning of my motives and goals.
  • I started thinking about stuff I'm doing at work, which is a million miles away from anything outside it. Business process improvement, arguing about who owns the concept of a process of something intangible.. it's all too ethereal and insubstantial. (Perhaps it's my inner techy rebelling before my pointy-hair comes into full force..?)
  • This was further reinforced by watching American Inventor last night, which had a clip of what amounts to a commune in/around San Francisco, where people were having a good old sing-song and knees-up. They looked happy. I wondered where all my efforts were taking me.. but I am actually happy, or think I am. This is the most I've enjoyed my career to date - what I've always really wanted is to feel like I'm making a difference. Not a million miles from what environmentalists want really, just in a capitalist environment rather than a natural one.
At the very least, I've been making new friends recently, going to regular and one-off social events, taking up new hobbies. It's all quite spring-like, I suppose :)

I got interrupted halfway through writing this post so it's rather disjointed, but I wanted to note down my thoughts and feelings.

Poker tonight; let's have some fun :)
Tags: introspection, whimsical
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